Behold my enormous lollipop

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Little Things I’ve Noticed After Having My Eyes Blasted to Tiny Bits With a “Laser”

On August 7, I had my eyes vaporized to a gas by powerful lasers, for kicks. My eyes made a quiet “pfft” noise, then the vapor wafted out into the room, presumably to condense on the side of someone’s beverage. Ew, dude, you’re drinking MY EYE. That’s just sick.

It should be noted that I had PRK instead of LASIK, because my “corneas are flat” (sorry, ladies). Also because it’s “more expensive” so the doctor can get “heated seats” in his new “Maserati”. That’s totally a fair trade. (I can’t SEE, but at least the doctor’s aft regions aren’t chilly! Phew!)

Anyway, here are a few observations I’ve made in the (almost) two months since I had the surgery:

  1. I can see the clock when I wake up in the morning.
  2. I can see why the dogs are making a fuss through the shower door. (It’s about pie.)
  3. Walking through the rain doesn’t suck. As much, anyway.
  4. Your eyes stay dilated for a long time if the doctor puts DEADLY NIGHTSHADE in them.
  5. I can offer actual opinions when someone is cutting my hair, other than feeling around blindly. I still don’t know what I’m talking about, but at least my ignorance comes from a more well-informed position.
  6. I keep trying to push my glasses up, especially when it’s raining. I blame a low-grade mental handicap.

And, I can still be a paratrooper or an astronaut–there are restrictions on LASIK patients, but not for those who’ve had PRK. JUPITER HERE I COME.

But seriously? It’s the best thing ever. Ever ever. On a scale of one to ten, it’s awesome.