The hottest ceramic burro you’ll see today

By “hot” I of course mean “stolen”. Kinda.

I was hanging out with my friend Jen, watching the latest (excellent) episode of Dollhouse, when I happened to ask her why her cat was named Dip. “Because,” she said, “a friend of mine used to have a cat named Chip. Also, my family has another thing named Chip. It’s a ceramic burro. My cousin has it now but we’re always stealing it back and forth. Holy crap, she’s had it for a long time, and she lives in Raleigh. Do you want to go steal a ceramic burro?”

I gave the only possible answer to such an awesome question posed at 11:15 on a Sunday night: “Totally.”

So, we braved the blizzard and the late hour to drive across the city to where her cousin lives, near Garner. We turned out lights off as we entered the cul-de-sac so as not to alert anyone in the house of our potential evil deeds. (Her sister has a baby and goes to bed early, so we didn’t think we really had anything to worry about, but we were being cautious.)

After parking the car just down the street, we sneaked up to where the burrow was stationed, right next to the porch. We took a few pictures of it, because, you know, who wouldn’t want to have their picture taken with a ceramic burro? At that point, I easily picked up the burro and danced around with it in the yard a bit since it was so light and airy.

I kid. Actually, the burro weighed about 15 and a half tons, considering it’s actually made of steel-reinforced concrete. I barely hefted the thing up into my arms and staggered over to the car. Jen raised the liftgate and I gingerly placed it in the back of the truck. I should also mention at this point that, due to the repeated thefts, the burro has become a bit brittle in its extremities–Jen put a plastic bag over its head to catch any pieces of burro ear that happened to come astray. I’d prefer to think that the bag was there so the burro didn’t know where it was going.

Anyway, after placing the burro in the back of the truck, we closed the liftgate and started to get in the car. It was at this point that I realized that some of Jen’s cousin’s neighbors were in the driveway of the house next door looking right at us, getting ready to get in their car.

Did we look suspicious? I’m sure not at all. I mean, all we did was drive up with our lights off and grab something out of someone’s hard. I’m sure that happens all the time. So, we totally played it cool and casually drove away acting as if nothing had happened.

I kid again. Actually, we kinda freaked that we were going to get busted, so we drove around the block–mostly with the lights still off–and found an “inconspicuous” place to park along the street while we watched to make sure the neighbors drove on past.

Feeling confident that we were in the clear, we drove the half-hour back to Jen’s place, where I heaved Chip into his new home on Jen’s back porch. He looked very sad there, all alone in the cold! I think Jen’s going to bring him inside in a bit so his feelings aren’t hurt.

Plus, he needs to meet “Dip”. After all, that’s how this entire episode came about.


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